Too many thoughts at 2 months

I know this blog is not up on exactly two months to the day, but 2 days late is pretty good! At this point, 3 months ago, I couldn't have told you exactly how long or where I would get the chance to be able to explore on this trip. I am so thankful to have landed where I am today.

I have been having a lot of anxiety lately. It is uncommon for me to be in new situations surrounded by new people and be as calm as I feel currently. However I have had several nights over the past 2 weeks that I have been awake until 2 or 3am and feeling like I just want to give up. Those feelings are real and scary, it is best to feel them so you are able to come from a place of care and compassion. Even if it takes a few extra days for my body and brain to recover from the anxiety attacks that I experience regularly, that's okay. It's all about finding a balance that works.

The anxiety that I have been feeling has been about work and beginning to plan this other piece, the next step of this traveling and working adventure. I have been relaxing to the best of my ability but when I feel like this (anxious, buzzed, on a creative kick or whatever), it is best for me to just flow with it. Balancing work, travel and starting up a new brand is not easy and not something I have ever done to this extent before. Currently all my work and travel plans align with the path I am on with my schooling. I still have another year of classes to take at my university and then work in an internship for a year before obtaining my first credentials. It is a huge goal that I am working towards and I am so excited for what is going to come out of it all. I feel that I have been given this chance to explore and improve on the second part of this new life journey. The point where I currently am in understanding more about the brand and curriculum that I am creating. It has been a lot of work so far and I still have a lot to do!

One of the things I have to constantly remind myself of is that this is just the beginning. This is me taking steps out into the I am headed down my current career path and trying to get as much experience doing all the things I love doing at the same time. I believe that living my professional and personal life intertwined but separate and equally balanced is healthy and sustainable. Through my experiences on the road and all the knowledge that I have gained along the way, I know more about how to make my future a reality. It is possible and I am excited because it seems like there are a number of different variations to the "end goal" we all must have for our lives, that will continue to prove successful and make me happy*. I have taught myself new skills, tried out new options, and came up with a higher quantity of specific content I want to produce moving forward. I want to love what I do and there are so many things that I love to do and I am thankful that I have the opportunity to create and share my passions and experiences.

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* "How can I choose just one pathway?" is a common question from teens and young adults when they are told to pick a major or just figure your sh*t out already. There is a lot of fear that we force upon ourselves to pick one thing when we are so young, the brain isn't even fully developed yet. It appears as if we are supposed to pick one thing that will provide us with financial independence to hit all these "key goals" in life that we feel we must live up to. As a society we fear what people think if we don't go to college or university or any training right away or at all. We fear being judged for our decisions based on the social implications and hierarchies within our society that exist to inflict self-oppression. Why do we subscribe to such a thing??

No wonder people have trouble deciding what to do and it doesn't surprise me that the majority of college students are experiencing mental health issues. I don't want to spend thousands of dollars per year to be stressed and anxious. I already have to fight those without having to volunteer myself for them. Tuition is too expensive, the work load is uneven and impersonal, college trainings are behind the times, the job market is competitive and even more stressful.

I also recommend that you read Louis Menand's article in the New York Times, Is Meritocracy Making Everyone Miserable? where they dive into the questions surrounding privilege, socio-economic status and how getting into a good college or university feels like the only option outside of high school.